I am a big believer in moments of self evaluation! I believe that we would all do much better in our journey of progression in this life if we took the time every once in a while to step back and see where we are on this road. This past week I have spent a lot of time looking into myself and where I am at and came to a very important conclusion that is so important to me that I thought I would share with anyone who cares to read on!
During this "self evaluation", I was thinking about the hardships I have gone through in various times in my past. And more recently, how the worst kind of betrayal you can imagine and divorce have really made me hit rock bottom on so many levels that have just flushed the life out of me. Some words that come to mind are feeling broken, unwanted, unloved, stress,lonely, revengeful, anxiety, helpless, loss of friendships, loss of family, and so many other feelings that just cant be put into words. How, in my case, I would put on a happy smile so that the outside world wouldn't see my suffering as weakness as I wanted so badly to remain strong for my kids and others around me....not letting them in to see the reality. I have felt all of these emotions at one point or another in the past 8 years of my life. Sometimes when you are in this state of mind, it leaves you looking at others perfectly rosy lives and wondering why couldn't that be me. This reminds me of a conversations that I had with a woman from my previous ward while sitting in her living room visiting. She was explaining how she was feeling that her life couldn't be more perfect. She had a wonderful husband and kids and that there was no drama or hardship, just bliss. She explained that they have never really had to struggle and how how happy this has made her life. I have to admit that after our visit I got in my car and drove down the street a bit and had a good cry as I had only been divorced for 2 months. Hearing this was like pouring lemon juice into a freshly open wound. I have often thought of this conversation when looking at the life that I have had. It sometimes made me yearn for such a perfect life and situation. How happy I could be if my life had turned out different. I don't understand that world any more than she understands mine. This conversation again came back into my mind this past week but this time it caused me to take a giant step in realizing what I should have known all along.....that my life IS perfect. I realize now that I can say that when my emotions have hit rock bottom and I feel as if I cant go another step, I have felt lifted by my "true" friends and family. I have been able to accomplish things in the past few years that I didn't know I had the strength to accomplish. I have had to dig deep into my spirit to be able to forgive the man I loved, who knelt across the alter from me in the Temple and made promises to me which were not kept and caused my life to turn upsidedown. I have always known that my Father in Heaven and Christ know me and love me and are mindful of the things I need and feel and want but never has this been so apparent as when I have been down on my knees crying my heart out for their help and that prayer being answered by immediately feeling their arms around me as if a warm blanket has been placed around my body which warmed me clear to my soul. My life is perfect because I have felt the promptings of the spirit many times as I have been raising my kids without the priesthood in our home. I have met lifelong friends along the way that have helped me to see my worth and have found out that family REALLY is everything no matter what it looks like from the outside looking in. I feel as if I am blessed beyond measure and can take these things and honestly say that my life is perfect. I have two beautiful children who are going through more than what most children have to go through and are teaching me just as much if not more than I am teaching them. And most importantly, I now know what if feels like to be in love and to be treated with the respect that my Father in Heaven wants his daughter to be treated. I have no idea what kind of life this dear sister has had but my life is every bit as perfect as hers. What a burden that has lifted to realize these things this past week. I feel as if I am on the right path and have the strength to do the things I need to do to be a better person. I can now look at the list of words that I spoke of earlier and see those words as blessing now instead of sorrow. I have drank from the bitter cup...and it was good. My woes have truly turned into wins.
