I am a private person, to a fault, when it comes to sharing about my journey of being a single woman. My personal journal knows all about that journey but my family and friends may not. I had some time last night sitting in quite peace and began to look back at where I was and where I am now and marvel at all that we have been through. How does one endure? How does one find happiness again? Is there peace is being single?
I married what I thought was the man of my dreams. I never thought in a million years that I would one day be divorced. I was sealed to my husband in the temple and thought our marriage was eternal. We struggled off and on but there was never anything that we could not endure together. Then the dreaded day came where I came to terms with the fact that our marriage was over. Feelings of betrayal swept over me. I felt alone, lost, ugly, embarrassed, rejected, and completely worthless. There were days where the thought of getting out of bed was unbearable but I knew I had to anyway. . I didnt feel like I had anyone to turn to. Part of that was because of my pride and part was because I didnt know anyone that would truly understand. The loneliness was unbearable at the time. I kept a lot of my feelings hidden from the world but that didnt mean they were not here. My heart ached for my kids and how their lives would be turned upside down. I knew they would be thrown into a world that most kids would never understand or have to endure. I ached for my son who was a young teen and my daughter who we had just adopted who was just turning 2. I felt like the odds of survival were stacked against me but I have never been one to fall in defeat so I held my head high as I took my son and my daughter and walked away from our home to a new life.
The struggle was real! The mask of happiness that I would put on did not reflect the torment of my soul. I didnt want my kids to see me cry so I would spend my days being their rock and my nights filled with tears. I became so exhausted with the charade that I could no longer go on. It was when I was at my darkest point of despair, anger and sadness that a lesson that I had had in seminary flooded into my mind. We were learning about the atonement of Christ. I remembered my teacher saying that the atonement was not just for Christ to take on the sins of the world but that Christ also suffered and bled from every pore to take on our pain. I remembered him saying that when we have struggled all that we can struggle, then we can lay our burdens at the feet of our Savior and he will endure the rest for us. That though kept playing over and over in my mind to the point that I dropped to my knees beside my bed. At that moment I felt like I was not just kneeling down but had sunk lower into the floor than humanly possible from the weight of my burdens. I was at a place that I had never felt before and cried out loud to my Father in Heaven for Christ to take my burden away. I told him that I had endured all that I can endure and begged him to endure the rest for me. I begged for a heart of forgiveness, to feel peace again, to be happy again, and to be able to feel love in my heart again. I laid by my bed and cried well into the night and as the tears flowed, the thought came into my mind that I needed to not only ask for Christ to carry my burdens but that I also had to allow him to. I could not ask and then not allow. I needed to find strength and happiness again on my own and not dwell anymore on my pain because HE had taken it from me. I felt a warmth come over me as if I was wrapped in the arms of all the angels in heaven. I felt like my mother's spirit was there, and that for the first time in a long time I was going to be ok. I rose up from my pleading as a new person, like the weight of the world had been lifted from me. I left as light as a feather but most of all, the anger was gone and for the first time, I had forgiveness in my heart toward my ex husband.
I have found so much strength in the journey. I found that I am much stronger than I thought possible. I learned it was OK to be vulnerable again and to open my heart again. I do not know where my future will take me but one thing I do know....that I am OK! I am a survivor who has found myself and has gained courage to walk in my own shows again. I may never have the chance to fall in love again but have peace that my life as it is now is one of happiness and blessings on my own.
